Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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