I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
