Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
