im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
