I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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