I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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