I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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