It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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