he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
