I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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