i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
