This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
