There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
