Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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