he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I've blown a few things in my day
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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