I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
