The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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