Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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