Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
