i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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