Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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