I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
