My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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