Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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