I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
