My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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