I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Sorry about my life...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
