i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
