Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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