my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
