He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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