Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
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he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
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They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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