you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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