hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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