no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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