Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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