if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
