First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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