just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
How does it feel to date your dad?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
