based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
