i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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