Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
