I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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