can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
