i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
