either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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