If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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