No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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