ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
