I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
