my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
