My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
