He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
