this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
