I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Randomize
