It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
