Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
