For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
