I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
