Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
from now on my penis is your penis
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
